No Time For Pity Parties And Your Wants Could Hurt

You are no doubt familiar with the expression, “and now the student has become the master” – a phrase meaning that the student is now the teacher. Whereas it is clear from the saying that the student has reached expert standing, it is unclear what role the master has once the student is also a master. Is the student now the master of the former master? Is the student who is now a master and the old master equals?

While we ponder the state of the former and new master, let’s take a moment to consider the similarity with parenting. What happens when the child becomes a parent? Does the child become equal to their parent or, better yet, does the child take on the role of parent for his/her parents? Are the parents new and old now equals?

TWO NUGGETS OF WISDOM

During times of heartache and trouble, my mother would offer all sorts of nuggets of wisdom. I can remember when a high school girlfriend broke up with me. I know you are thinking the same thing I was thinking back then, what was wrong with them. It seems that I wasn’t much of a catch because more than one girlfriend broke up with me.

At any rate, I digress. The point is that my mom refused to allow me to sit in my room pouting. I could grieve over the breakup for a moment, but I was discouraged from doing anything more than shedding an occasional tear or two.

My mom would say, in her sternest way of preempting me to feel sorry for myself, “Now, Nate, you are going to have to toughen up!” The meaning of her words was clear; cancel whatever pity party I was planning. She was the bouncer and there would be no pity party on her watch.

My mom expected me to be stronger, and falling apart over a breakup with a teenage girl was unacceptable. She required more from me than to sit and sulk and behave as if the opinion of a child – one whom she did not care for any way I might add – should leave me defeated. The lesson served me well – do not measure your value by the thoughts and opinions of others, especially those who do not love you and do not waist today or tomorrow having pity parties.

The second nugget of wisdom was equally invaluable, “your wants could hurt.” When I asked for something that did not fit within the family budget, my mom would proclaim, “your wants could hurt.” Since nearly everything was outside of the family budget, I became extremely familiar with her proclamation. I had food, water, and shelter, but my childhood was certainly not one of excesses and luxuries – the granting of ‘wants’ was few and far between.

What I learned about wants as a child remains true today, ‘wants’ genuinely hurt – a lot. The hurt from ‘wants’ exists because the things you ‘want’ are typically so much harder to get than the things you need. I can attest firsthand, as a broke kid from Gary, Indiana, getting any wants was exceptionally more challenging. My ‘wants’ usually required much more effort, which meant I was probably going to have to give blood, sweat, and tears.

Early in life, I learned from my mom that ‘wants’ hurt because often you don’t bother to assess if what you think you want is worth getting. Moreover, I learned that you must be careful about the things you believe you want because the stuff you want tends to hurt – they come with increased expectations and unimagined costs.

My mom’s warning was clear if you are going to grind and struggle for something you think you want, you better be sure you want it. Your wants could hurt, so choose what you ‘want’ wisely and be prepared to let your attitude and effort demonstrably show just how much your ‘wants’ really means to you.

NO TIME FOR PITY PARTIES AND YOUR WANTS COULD HURT

Last week, my mom had hip replacement surgery. I won’t jinx the outcome of the operation; I’ll merely say so far so good. Physically my mom has been fine, but emotionally she didn’t begin this journey as the woman who raised me.

She’s was down about the surgery she wanted to have. It seems somewhere between arriving at the hospital for surgery and the beginning of a lengthy recovery period – starting at the rehabilitation center – my mom forgot the lessons she taught me about pity parties and wants. Namely that there is no time for pity parties, and your wants could hurt.

I’ve been with her every day since she entered the hospital and while she’s been at the rehab center. Watching her daily, I’ve found myself contemplating my initial query: what happens when the student becomes the master; what happens when the child becomes the parent?

Observing my mom every day now for more than a week, I haven’t been able to ignore the nuggets of wisdom she taught me as a child. Nor have I been able to overlook the times when her mental toughness and outward behavior contradicted with the person I know her to be. The woman who routinely reminded me that there was no time for pity parties and your wants could hurt.

The other day when she was having a pity party having forgotten the truth about toughness and wants, I reintroduced my mom to her valuable lessons. “Mom,” I said, “you don’t have time for a pity party, you wanted the hip replacement surgery – your wants could hurt. You are going to have to toughen up – keep your head and your spirits up during your rehab period; it’s the small cost for the fuller and richer life your claim to want”.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE CHILD IS GOOD FOR THE PARENT

Les Brown once said, “you are never too old to learn, and never too young to teach.” These days, my older mom is learning or relearning from her younger son that she is going to have to toughen up, and that ‘wants’ could hurt. Now the child who is also a parent offers parental advice to his grandparent’s child. I suppose this is what happens when the student becomes the master; when the child becomes the parent.

Not only has my time with my mom provided me with a refresher course on the value of her nuggets of wisdom, but the time has given me insight into the future. One day, I too might lose my way, forgetting my childhood lessons, and stop living my life the way I was raised to live it. And I fully expect my most prized student to become the master – that my child will become the parent who reminds my mom’s son that there is no time for a pity party and that my wants could hurt.

I now know the answer to my query. I now understand the true meaning of the expression. The student is, indeed, now the master! The child is without question now, the parent!

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Are you living the lessons you teach your children? Will you embrace and accept your student when they become the master? Are you preparing your child to become an expert parent and someone you can learn from regardless of age?