How Do You Express Thanksgiving?

As a child and young adult, I thought I understood the spirit of thanksgiving. What I know now that it took me almost three decades to learn was that I might have understood the definition for the word ‘thanksgiving,’ but I had no real appreciation for the meaning.  It wasn’t until I heard those auspicious words, “it’s plus, it’s plus” that I began the journey of not only understanding thanksgiving but experiencing thanksgiving in a way I never imagined possible.

IN THE BEGINNING

As many of you already know just before Thanksgiving 1994, I learned that I was going to be a father. What you might not have known was that I was just like all the other expecting fathers – uttering the customary platitudes about how excited and blessed I was to be a father. I was also absolutely clueless not only about becoming a father but also about thanksgiving.

As I look back twenty-one Thanksgivings later, I realize that until Thanksgiving 1994, I didn’t appreciate, nor did I have the ability to comprehend the meaning of thanksgiving fully. However, today, I have a clear demarcation for Thanksgiving. The delineation that I reference denoted when I understood ‘thanksgiving’ and when I started experiencing ‘thanksgiving.’

WE’VE ALWAYS DONE IT THAT WAY

The timeline before Thanksgiving 1994 is known as T.B.N., and the era after Thanksgiving 1994 is known as T.A.N. Thanksgiving Before Naeem (T.B.N.) is a time when I convened with family, loved ones and even with a few family members that I didn’t like much less love. Sorry, mom, I had to say it!

T.B.N. was a day where the women in the family customarily slaved all night, toiled into the wee hours, and continued laboring most of the following day to prepare that would take less than fifteen minutes to consume. Notwithstanding something happening out of the ordinary, T.B.N. was also another occasion for the men of the family to mostly sit on our butts, eat ourselves into a caloric coma, and watch football from sunrise to long after sunset.

Like most families, we had the Thanksgiving tradition where the patriarch or matriarch of my family always blessed the food before we were allowed to eat.  In the latter years just before T.A.N., we incorporated a new tradition before we started making sparks with our eating utensils, shoveling food into our mouths, and elevating our risk factors for cancer, high blood pressure, and diabetes. My family, probably just like yours, adopted the custom of having everyone at the table share a reason for being thankful.

THANKSGIVING AFTER NAEEM

Thanksgiving after Naeem changed everything! No longer was thanksgiving merely a day that occurred each year on the fourth Thursday in November. No longer was thanksgiving a day remembered by laboring women, a family meal, and men passed out on the couch. No longer was thanksgiving merely symbolized by a parade, a big dead bird, and the story of the pilgrims and the indigenous people of this land. Upon learning that I was going to be a father, Thanksgiving took on a heightened significance, a much different purpose, and carried with it a more impactful meaning.

More importantly, T.A.N., as I affectionately call it now, far exceeded the public family declaration about the thing that I felt most thankful. Thanksgiving after Naeem carried with it the required daily act of giving thanks for the best gift I have ever received – the prize of a child.  T.A.N. created the prerequisite that I would have to assure my child and anyone who might bear witness to my competency and commitment as a father that every single day of my life was an illustration of a parent’s profound gratitude and deep appreciation for his child’s existence.

IN WORDS AND DEEDS

To fulfill my newly appreciated thanksgiving responsibility, I had to decide to do something un-American. To show my child daily that I was deeply grateful for his existence, I had to make sure my words and deeds matched. I’m not sure you are aware of this, but it turns out that matching words with deeds is a massive problem for American parents.

Americans routinely proclaim a commitment to family values, but our behavior often says something altogether different. An example of our duplicitousness is evident in the way we spend our time. There are 24 hours in a day and 168 hours in a week. Yet, the average American mother spends 13.7 hours or 8.15% of her week with her children. And a worse example of mismatched words and deeds is the average American father who only spends a paltry 7.2 hours or 4.29% of his week with his children.

But before you go patting yourself on the back because you spend a few more hours than the average parent with your children, it’s important to note that parents spend more time on leisure activities such as watching TV, socializing, or exercising than we do showing in word and deed how thankful we are for our children. Men spent 6.0 hours and women 5.2 hours daily or 42 hours and 36.4 hours per week, respectively.

DON’T BE FOOLED

So often, we treat our children like the Thanksgiving feast – mistakenly believing that raising children who have the opportunity to maximize their potential is as simple as prepping for and participating in the annual gathering. Too many parents believe that having a great relationship with a child and giving thanks for being blessed with a child is as simple as spending an extended holiday weekend with our children. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Women who believe giving thanks for their children is about an occasional overindulgence in time, and resources are mistaken. Fathers who maintain a successful strategy for giving thanks for their children include waiting for mothers to do the work while both literally and figuratively falling asleep on the couch are also misguided. Thankful parents are enlightened and engaged parents. Knowledgeable and interested parents give thanks daily in words and deeds for the blessing of a child.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

This Thanksgiving, consider doing yourself and your child a favor. This Thanksgiving, take an honest assessment of your life to see if you are truly giving thanks for your child in words and deeds. By using either a note pad, creating a Microsoft file, or opening a Google document, take an hour by hour inventory of how you spend each day. Complete the assessment for a full week. Then add up the time you spend with your child and divide it by 168.

Hopefully, you aren’t just like the average American parent who will be mortified by the results of this assessment. If, by chance, you are like the average American parent, don’t fret. Rather than worrying about being average or doing what you’ve always done, consider this an opportunity to reassess your understanding of the word thanksgiving.

Do what I did post T.B.N. Use this Thanksgiving as the first day of the rest of your life. Make this Thanksgiving the beginning of you becoming a living and breathing illustration of what it looks like when a parent makes their child a top priority.

This Thanksgiving, accept that being thankful is much more than a public declaration on a national holiday. From here on out, make sure your child knows through word and deed that thanksgiving means you will always make your greatest blessing your top priority.

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Daily, what do you do that shows thanksgiving for your children? Who or what would your children say is your top priority?