Domestic Violence

When I was a small child, my mom would routinely remind my sister and me to “keep your hands to yourself”. As is the case with juvenile siblings, almost daily we found something to be antagonistic about. Whether it was bothering something that belonged to the other or if it was calling each other a bantering name, my sister and I were like oil and water – we clashed.

Back in those days, quarreling was a sport that my sister and I participated in as if a world championship was at stake. Ever conscious of our combative interaction, my mom would remain silently attentive. Inexplicably, before our behavior could get out of control, my mom would yell to us “keep your hands to yourself”.

Keep Your Hands To Yourself

Thanks to my mom, my sister and I learned the importance of the words – “keep your hands to yourself”. Now when my sister and I have an issue, not only do we abide by the words “keep your hands to yourself” but we go one step better. We just avoid each other and stop talking to one another altogether. (Ridiculous, I know but I’ll address that at another time.)

As an adolescent, the phrase “keep your hands to yourself” was also integrated with the words “a man never hits a woman”. The second coupled edict was hypocritically decreed by my father. Not only did my father not want me to spar with my sister, he duplicitously wanted me to value and appreciate women. I’m proud to say that I heard my parents loud and clear and in spite of the dishonest modeling, I have never hit a woman and I have always kept my hands to myself.

Domestic Violence

The other morning, like most of America I watched the video of Ray Rice punching his then fiancée and dragging her out of the elevator. Watching him strike and knock her out was both surreal and eerily familiar. I thought about my parents.

I couldn’t help but wonder if Ray’s mother had ever told him to “keep your hands to yourself” and I pondered if Ray’s father had ever given him the decree that “a man never hits a woman”. I couldn’t help but contemplate if Ray’s actions on the elevator were the result of him modeling behavior from his childhood experiences.

My initial questions were not those of a man acting as a pseudo therapist or one being gullibly lead and prompted by the intrusive and “click here” preoccupied media. My questions were deeply rooted in real world personal experiences. Not only have I served on a Board for a local coalition against domestic violence but regrettably I know first-hand from my own childhood what it looks like to see a woman assaulted and battered by a man who supposedly loves her.

What About The Children

It is both my community service and childhood experiences which gives me no pleasure in saying that domestic violence is not only terrible for the victim it is exponentially dreadful if the couple has children. Men who make the irresponsibly conscious decision to batter and abuse a mother are often creating an irreversible tsunami of future dire events. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Safe Horizon:

• Witnessing violence between one’s parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.
• 30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household.
• Without help, girls who witness domestic violence are more vulnerable to abuse as teens and adults.

The research is overwhelming and what I have witnessed with my own two eyes is irrefutable. Domestic violence is horrific.

Despite what perpetrators and victims will sometimes try to tell you, domestic violence is not a private matter between a man and a woman. Domestic violence is amongst the worst examples of humanity. As the aforementioned confirms, parents who are abused or abuse often model behavior that has generational consequences.

So without being aware, women date and marry abusive men as a result of what their fathers have done to their mothers. And unbeknownst of the effects of watching their father abuse their mother, men easily and routinely abuse women.

We Have To Be Better

As parents, it is incumbent on us to put an end to domestic violence. On a personal note, I’ve shared with my son those words shared with me by my parents: “keep your hands to yourself” and “a man never hits a woman”. Additionally, I’ve also implored him to do what I did to keep from repeating the despicable actions I witnessed as a child. I’ve encouraged my son to remember that he should never do to anyone, especially a woman, what he would not want done to his mother.

If you have yet to see the video, I encourage you to do so. If your children are old enough, I even recommend watching the video with them. Be forewarned, the video is intense and ugly. The video is domestic violence.

What type of behavior are you modeling? What type of behavior did your parent’s model?