Discipline With Purpose
I was always pretty confident about the right way to raise my son but the one area that made me uneasy, unsure about myself was discipline. I think my insecurity originated with my childhood. You see, I am the product from an era seemingly long gone by – the age of “Spare The Rod Spoil The Child”.
My son, on the other hand, is a product of the new-fangled “Time Out” approach. In full disclosure, when introduced to the “Time Out” approach I thought it was absolute nonsense and I still do. So it probably comes as no surprise to learn that I found it challenging to reconcile what I had experienced as a child with what was now commonplace in child-rearing.
Spare The Rod Spoil The Child
When I was a child the answer to discipline was generally the utterance of a simple but dreadful phrase – “go get my belt”. The only thing worse was hearing the words “go get your belt”. Getting spanked with my father’s belt was one thing but getting spanked with my own belt was just un-American. Imagine the humiliation of wearing a garment that is meant to enhance your fashion being worn to hold up your pants only a few minutes after it was used to tan your hide. Talk about embarrassing!
On occasion, my parents would show me mercy. Mercy generally consisted of being greeted with words other than “go get (insert name’s) belt”. Benevolence for me was hearing the words “you’re on punishment”.
Honestly, the belt was an effective deterrence until I was a teenager but by the time puberty set in my disciplinary preference was always the belt. Sure it hurt to get spanked but the pain I felt – excluding any whelps or bruises – generally only lasted a short while. After the spanking, I was free to continue my life – obedient or disobedient – without interruption.
Pride & Punishment
However punishment was another story. Being punished usually meant not being able to leave the house, talk on the phone or go outside and play. Having to tell my friends that I was on punishment was mortifying. No one knew when I got spanked but everyone knew when I was on punishment.
Although, I feared being punished more than being spanked, rarely did I think either option was good. Now I know what you are probably thinking. You are saying to yourself, Nate you were a misbehaving child of course you didn’t think either was useful. Yes, it’s true I was a child who did misbehave on rare occasion. But I’ve given discipline a lot of thought over the years and I’m being objective when I say that neither form of discipline was effective.
What’s The Point?
What my parents wanted for me – to be better – was the same thing all parents want of their children. Parents want children to behave in a respectable, honorable, and civilized fashion. Regrettably, in an attempt to get the best out of me, my parents did not always display the best of themselves.
My parents – like all the parents of my youth – often disciplined their children in a way that would be considered child abuse today. They spanked me (which is being polite), they took something away or they deprived me of something.
Yes, I learned to behave but it did not occur from nobility as parents generally hope. I learned like most of my peers to behave from fear – fear of pain, fear of deprivation and fear of having things taken away.
No Easy Answers
When my son was a third grader and when I was still unsettled about the best way to discipline him, I tried parenting the old school way. In short it was a disaster. I didn’t injure, maim or kill my son – thank God – but I did something altogether worse. I replicated behavior that I knew was both ineffective and primitive.
I am an educated and enlightened man who believes people and society are meant to evolve yet I behaved as a boorish and small-minded cave man. There were no welts or bruises on my son that day but there were plenty of marks and contusions on my mind and heart. I put at risk the health and emotional well-being of the most important person in the world to me. It was on that day that I pledged to always spare the rod.
Since that dreadful day, I’ve found that there are better and more effective options than using a hand or a belt. Sentencing a child to “time out” is not one of those improved options either.
Time out from what? Time out to do what? My advice to parents is to take a time out from “Time Out” because like using the rod time outs are equally ineffective.
Recommendations
So what should we do when our child misbehaves? We should discipline them immediately with purpose. A common mistake parents make when children misbehave is that we let the poor behavior linger for too long before taking action. Subsequent repeated misbehavior causes parents to react impulsively out of anger rather than from intelligent contemplation. If the behavior is bad the first time correct it the first time. Uncorrected poor behavior sends the message that the undesired behavior is acceptable and is almost a guarantee that the unwanted behavior will continue.
Before disciplining your child, ask yourself what is the overall theme or message you want to convey. Is it respect for others? Is it appreciation of property? Remember the goal with discipline is purpose. The discipline administered should clearly delineate your intended purpose otherwise the opportunity for your child to learn and improve will be missed.
If it’s respect for life volunteer together where your children can observe life from a different perspective. Offer a lending hand at the local Maternity ward to see life begin, help out at a place like the Ronald McDonald House to see life’s challenges first hand and tour a mortuary to see the fleeting nature of life.
If it’s a lack of appreciation of property introduce your children to people who have little and routinely visit places that offer even less. Don’t send your child alone. Make it a family commitment to serve others, build homes for the less fortunate and pledge to live with less.
That’s The Wrong End
Whatever choices you make to discipline your child you should do so with deliberate contemplation and purpose. Parenting is about beginning with the end in mind and I don’t mean your child’s rear-end. Parenting is about putting in extra time not putting your child in time out.
Whatever you do, however you do it, discipline and raise your child with purpose!
What’s the most effective form of discipline you have used?