When you read the words trained in conflict resolution, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the first thing that came to your mind was teaching your children how to play well with other children. Well as much as I’m all for children learning how to share their toys and say please & thank you, when I refer to trained in conflict resolution I mean something altogether different.
I’m referring to internal conflict – the struggle occurring within a person’s mind. That space between your two ears that determines the perspective you have about everything you say, believe and do.
Conflict Resolution Prevents Battle Scars
Life is tough. It’s even been said that life is the “B” word – beach. You know there is earth and water – sand and waves. (It’s a G-rated blog folks).
Seriously, life is hard enough even for those of us who have been around the block a time or two. But life is especially conflicting for children.
When adults lose their way and internal conflicts arise, adults ordinarily have a multitude of life experiences to fall back on and trusted friends who provide wise counseling based on similar life experiences. Yet, even with life’s history and worthwhile advice, many of adults are presently dealing with their own internal conflicts. There are adults who participate in life’s daily mental tennis match volleying questions such as “am I good enough”, “do I deserve…”, and “why would anyone…me”.
If the tree behaves this way – internally conflicted, how can the fruit be any different?
Children are exactly the same as adults with maybe one exception. Children base everything on the present moment. There is no past to them, at least no past worth considering – there is no history that is worth examining. And worse for children, those who offer children counseling are ordinarily their immediate gratification – generally equally conflicted peers.
These two circumstances leave our children with no reference point from which to resolve their internal conflict. The result is that children not only share the internal conflicts adults experience but they are less equipped to deal with the conflicts. Examples of a child’s internal conflict is commonly expressed with the use of words like alone, confused, unworthy, lost, failure, etc.
When a child conveys these types of feelings, closes themselves off to the world or acts out in some atypical, self-destructive fashion, they are telling you that they have not been trained in conflict resolution.
Five People to the Rescue?
http://youtu.be/isLc1UqudnY
The late Jim Rohn once said “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” I believe the departed entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker was on to something. If we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with – and I am convinced that this is true – how can we expect our children to be trained in conflict resolution unless they are spending their time with five people who are much more prepared and skilled than them?
So ask yourself right now, who are the five people your children spend the most of their time with? The most common and telling answer: their peers – children who like them are battling their own internal conflicts of fear, self-worth, separation anxiety, school performance, etc.
If by some state of good fortune, parents are lucky enough to be included in that list of the five people our children spend the most time with, rarely do we – the adults – raise the average for internal conflict preparedness. America’s suicide rates tell the story of why adults don’t raise the five person average much if any at all. Sadly many of us continue to battle our own internal demons well beyond middle age. In fact, the two highest suicide rates in this country are found among those 45 to 64 and over 85.
Things Must Change
We have to train our children in conflict resolution immediately. Those who have more life experiences than our children care to acknowledge should understand that everything rides on our children’s ability to resolve internal conflicts. The elders should already know that what we think becomes our reality.
Auspiciously, Mr. Rohn left us a simple way to train our children in conflict resolution so that what they desire and think become one and the same. His words left a road-map to help children and adults find a way to resolve those internal conflicts that keep us all from maximizing our gifts and talents.
Starting today, make sure that the five people your children spend the most of their time with are people who are poised, experienced, confident, accomplished, authentic and resolute. In other words, make sure your children spend the bulk of their time with people – in government terms (should the shutdown ever end) – who are well above their pay grade.
If you are a parent and the characteristics outlined describe you, your children’s parent – great – you then get to be included in the five people. However, if these characteristics describe people other than you as a parent – that’s okay as well. At the end of the day, if you are among the five is mostly irrelevant.
All that really matters is that our children have the opportunity to fulfill their God-given potential and unlimited promise. The goal is not to make us feel good as a parent, the goal is to train children who are skilled at conflict resolution. If you still think this is about you, you might need to get trained in conflict resolution.
Who are the five people your child spends the most time with? Who are the five people that your child should be spending most of their time with?
Excellent post Que! Conflict is natural and imminent, therefore all children should be trained as you have advised.
Thanks Terry for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. Hopefully, one day we can get more parents to understand that the success of so many of our children is determined by their ability to resolve internal conflict and the company they keep.