Hidden Secrets Guaranteed to Make You Better Than You Ever Imagined

In my previous post, I shared the one thing that I was most proud of as a father. In this post, I want to take a few minutes to share something shocking.  Now hold on tight as my admission will no doubt shake you to your core.

You ready? Here it goes. I’m not perfect. I have made plenty mistakes. And as a parent, I believe that I once made a huge mistake; perhaps the gravest mistake that any parent can make.

Wait Till Your Father Gets Home

One morning sitting at the table having breakfast, my then nine-year old son looked over at me and asked me a question and made a statement that profoundly affected me and my relationships with him to this very day. He asked “will I see you later today?”  Without pausing to take a breath, he immediately followed up his question by saying “you are never at home anymore”. His combination of question and statement felt both strategic and purposeful, as he provided me no opportunity to contemplate his question or give some adult “logical” explanation.

About seven years before my son asked the question and made the statement, I started working for myself for the first time in my life. For the first three to five years of being self-employed, I literally had no idea what I was doing. So I did what a lot of entrepreneurs do – around year three of being self-employed – I took a second job.

My thought was that the other job would provide me with some income until I figured out being self-employed sufficiently. My theory was a good strategy or so I thought.  It had to be okay. Lots of other parents were doing the same thing.

Moonlighting

However, in the winter of 2004 when my son asked me the question and made the statement, I was no longer a newbie to the world of the self-employed. I had now been self-employed for seven years.

In 2000, I accepted a position as an Adjunct Professor at a local university. I realized that I enjoyed teaching. My student evaluations indicated that I was pretty good at teaching. The fact that I enjoyed teaching, the favorable reviews by my students and what felt like easy money motivated me to continue accepting new teaching assignments.

To be honest, by 2004, I was no longer working the second job as a means to an end. I was working the second job primarily because of my personal gratification and selfishness rather than my original “big picture” objective to earn enough money to provide for my family.

Now that I am reflecting on the situation, I sense that my son somehow knew what I had yet to acknowledge. The time had come for me to put an end to moonlighting.

I heard him loud and clear that morning and decided as I was driving him to school that I would complete the teaching assignments I had previously committed to but that I would not accept any more assignments. I didn’t need any additional substantiation to change my behavior. My son’s words were convincing enough. Unfortunately, I would indirectly receive an up close and personal illustration of the importance of my son’s question and statement.

Out of Time

Right after New Year 2005, one of my closest childhood friends, lost his mother. I rushed home to be by his side, help him make funeral arrangements and do whatever he needed me to do.

For the first couple days, this man who was the strongest, most disciplined and determined man who I ever knew was cool, calm and collected. He handled all the funeral arrangements, put his mother’s personal affairs in order and he comforted his entire family allowing all of them to deal with their grief and despair. He was in a word unflappable.

Something changed when his mother’s casket was lowered into the ground. I will never forget that moment. This was the moment where I believe he realized for the first time that he was out of time. There would be no more moments to spend with his mother. There would be no future opportunities to do what he should have done previously.

Sensing that he was not prepared to be alone, I rode with him back to his home and stayed with him for more than a week. I guess it was kismet that my son had advised me to stop moonlighting a few weeks prior. Otherwise, I might have had to rush back to teach at the university.

While I was with my friend, not a day went by, sometimes not an hour went by where my pal wasn’t mumbling in tremendous anguish “I never made time”, “I was always so busy”, “I should have made time”… His words and demeanor were haunting to me. His words and demeanor told the story of his new and regrettable reality – a reality that he could not reverse or correct.  His tears and sadness conveyed a wretched reality that anyone who loses someone they love can never escape and a reality that I could only imagine would disturb him every day for the rest of his life.

My Best Friend

http://youtu.be/rCF7Dnov8vA

Having been away from home for nearly two weeks, I left my childhood best friend to return home to be with my child who is my unquestionable best friend. When I returned, I believe that I was not only a changed but an improved man.

The pain and agony of my childhood best friend lived with me when I returned and lives with me to this day. Those days with my high school pal and witnessing the affect his loss had on him left me convinced of many things. The following are a few of the hidden secrets that I would like to share with you.

Hidden Secrets

1. Most Time Less is More – Rather than focusing on more stuff to give your child, turn your attention to not owing anyone so that you will be able to give your child more of what they need and crave – YOU. Who needs to work harder and longer to pay for a bigger house, newer car and more material possessions? The hard reality is that most material items are only distractions that take you away from doing and being what you should do more of – be your child’s parent.
2. Children Don’t Ask to Be Here – Children don’t give birth to themselves. Children don’t think themselves into existence. Men and women willingly, knowingly and actively participate in the creation of children. Children are in essence long-term house guests. To quote something my son told me at age two, “it is rude and foolish” to invite someone into your life, if you are not willing to unequivocally and unconditionally dedicate your life to them.
3. Be a Parent Not Have a Baby – Too often, I hear people expressing that they want to have a baby. When I hear these words, I cringe. I am of the opinion that those who express this desire of having a baby are like a punch drunk boxer – dazed and confused. Little girls ask for baby (dolls). Little boys ask for puppies. Both girls and boys are in some ways practicing their parenting skills. However, children are not toys to be dressed up, fed and put in a toy chest when you have something better to do. Nor are children little puppies who can be put on a leash, have cold food placed in a bowl and dropped off at the kennel when you no longer want to be bothered. Having a child is about one thing, being a parent. If you don’t understand what it means to be a parent, you are not qualified to have a child.

There were other things that I learned during the time I spent with my friend that I could share with you. Nonetheless, I’m just going to hope that you can try to remember just these three things.

If you are able to apply the aforementioned to your life, I believe that you might have the good fortune of avoiding one of my biggest parenting, life mistakes. Moreover, if you do apply these three things, it is probable that you will never have the regrets my friend had when he learned that the clock had expired on the remaining time he had to share with the person who loved him the most.

I cannot reiterate this often enough as it has stuck with me since that week that I spent by my friends’ side. The question is not if we will run out of time, the question is what will we do with the time that we have left? Make time while you have time! Make time now!

Are you spending your time doing things that will leave you and your child with regrets? Are you being an average parent like so many others or are you working at parenting the same way you work for a raise, promotion or new position?