A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with my son about his roommate. More accurately, we talked about an issue that he was having with his roommate’s hygiene. Without totally grossing you out here’s the synopsis.
The Gift He Didn’t Not Want
My son went to take a shower after the morning practice. After entering the bathroom, he was welcomed by a malodorous scent. Accompanying the putrid smell was a present floating in the toilet. And of course when I say present, I in no way meant to suggest that there was a desired gift, reward or donation a float in the toilet. Rather, as I hope is obviously apparent, my son’s roommate had a “bowel movement” and he had not flushed before exiting the bathroom.
As my son went on and on pontificating about how rude his roommate was and what an unpleasant experience this episode had been, I did my best to listen intently. However, I have to admit that I felt a little bit like Charlie Brown trying to listen to his teacher. I heard what my son said but part of my mind drifted away. I began to ponder a couple other things.
Your Crap Stinks Too
Growing up we had an expression that reminded me of my son’s disturbing encounter. The expression was “don’t act like your $H_T don’t stank”. In the unlikely event that you have never heard this phrase, it means that you are no different from anyone else. Manure is manure, excrement is excrement and yours stinks just like everyone else’s.
For whatever reason, most people are under some strange illusion about the stench omitted from their own bowel movement. We often think that there is something pleasantly fragrant about our bodily release, as if ours smells of roses or freshly sprayed Glade air freshener. I can assure you this pleasant smelling perception is nothing more than a hallucination.
Don’t believe me? Think I’m wrong? Pay close attention the next time you prepare to exit the bathroom after having had a bowel movement. If there is someone waiting for you to come out so that they can get in, in the words of the late great Don Cornelius “you can bet your last money, it’s all gonna be a stone gas honey”.
For those not familiar with the creator, host and producer of Soul Train’s euphemistic communication style, I’ll translate for you what Don Cornelius meant in a Dick Clark sort of way. If you want to make a bet that you can’t lose put everything you own on this sure thing. Whoever the person is entering the bathroom after you have a bowel movement – that person will be holding their breath and profusely spraying room deodorizer as they make their way towards the toilet.
In actuality, the idiom “don’t act like your $H_T don’t stank” is not limited to bodily emissions as it also includes life’s omissions. This idiom signifies that your foul behaviors, offensive blunders and lapses in judgment are no less unpleasant or offensive just because they are made by you.
Our Crap is Equally Unappealing
As if it wasn’t enough for my son to express how badly the bathroom smelled – for whatever reason he was compelled to describe what he saw. Thanks! I mean really – I know what human excrement looks like. I see my own every day. I really did not need the description. Now that I think about it, I suppose you don’t need the description either. Oh well I’m sharing with you for the same reason I suppose my son shared with because I know that you would not want me to suffer alone.
At any rate, the insistence of the description of his roommate’s poop made me deliberate at least one other thing that I shared with him. I know you think highly of yourself but the cold hard reality is that your crap is your crap and while you may be accustomed to seeing it every day, your crap is just as unappealing to someone else as your roommate’s crap is displeasing to you.
For this reason, I reminded him that he had better make sure that he never forgets to flush the toilet. Moreover, I assured him that he had better make sure that all of his crap flushes completely every time before he leaves the bathroom. Otherwise, I warned, one day you could find yourself the subject of a similar conversation between your roommate and his parents.
Almost as soon that discussion concluded, I had another metaphorical thought about poop, crap and manure to share. In fairness to my son, this next expression was not something I felt applied to him – at least not at this particular moment. The expression is as simple as but no less subtle than the first idiom. I remembered the phrase “get your $H_T together”.
“Get your $H_T together” is not a reference to loose bowels or diarrhea. Rather it is an expression that quite candidly is applicable to just about every one of us. Most of us have an area or several areas for that matter of our life that is unorganized, chaotic and messy. On second thought “get your $H_T together” does sound a lot like diarrhea after all. The diarrhea of life.
Our own diarrhea of life causes us to continuously fail to address our unstable reality and acknowledge the general lack of constancy in our behavior. Far too often, we are so fixated and offended by the disorganization and inefficiencies in someone else’s life that we don’t take the time to see our life for what it is – equally if not more sloppy, objectionable and unmanageable.
As the expression infers, each of us would be well served if we took more time routinely examining our own crap. Upon closer inspection, we would quickly discover that our crap – our personal issues, our behaviors, our actions and our attitudes – looks just as displeasing if not more so than anyone else’s.
Before You Flush
Before you figuratively flush this post from your memory, there is one thing that I would like to ask of you. I would like to remind you of the importance of literally paying attention to your poop each day. Yes, I want you to observe your poop. There I said it. Check out your poop!
What you see and smell can also literally (size, shape, color and consistency) tell you a lot about your health.
While I am neither a medical doctor nor do I play one on TV, I do know that your bathroom habits including the number of occurrences and effort required when you go can provide substantive insight into your overall health. Knowing what you are seeing when you look in the toilet as well as what to look for might allow you to detect serious diseases and infections such as hepatitis, urinary tract infections, pancreatitis, cancer and others medical issues before they become major issues or life threatening health problems.
Now You Can Flush
Speaking of now, consider this the end of my PSA (Public Service Announcement). Hopefully you won’t forget that your crap stinks incredibly, that you often suffer from life diarrhea and that you should look at and smell your crap regularly because crap can both figuratively and literally tell you a great deal about you and your health.
Now, we are done, right? I don’t have to remind you to wipe as well do I?
For goodness sake, I mean talking to you about poop was challenging enough. Please let flushing be the last thing that I ever have to say on this subject.
Isn’t it time that you started addressing the areas of your life that are foul? Do you figuratively and literally examine your crap each day so that you can be around to be the best person you can possibly be for the longest time possible?