Loved the concept of turning yourself into what type of bird you want to be, and facing bad weather instead of flying away from it. I find myself trying to please other birds only to discover they can never be pleased by me. Now that I am beginning to get it and can see the need to connect with the eagles, how do I keep it and not fall back into the same old flock? Thanks for the knowledge my friend!!! Dana
Thanks Dana for asking the question and reading our blog post Birds of a Feather Don’t Have to Flock Together. Your comments are issues that I believe many parents struggle to resolve. I’m going to try to answer your comments and questions by breaking your concerns down into what I believe are four distinct issues:
Fulfilling Your Promise: Eagles Soar
Not only are you able to transform yourself into whatever type of bird that you want to be but I believe you are obligated to do so. It sounds as though you believe you are an eagle but have chosen not to soar to the heights that fellow eagles soar. How sad and disappointing!
If you possess the qualities and characteristics of an eagle which I am sure you do, why would you want to do anything other than be who you were created to be? If you are an eagle be an eagle.
Isn’t being what you were created to be and doing those things you were intended to do – the greatest and most important responsibility that you have not just to yourself but to other eagles, the universe and your creator?
If the aforementioned line of question and answer sounds familiar it should. I borrowed it from you. Well not exactly from you but it is precisely the type of logic parents invoke – inquiring of their children – when they determine that their children are not living up to their potential and promise?
If you are going to raise children who maximize their talents and abilities, you must be a parent who first models that behavior.
It’s time to maximize your time on earth, your talents and your abilities. You can’t expect your children to soar if you are unwilling to allow them the opportunity to witness you being the eagle you are – an eagle who dares not ask another to fly unless he himself has first spread his own wings.
What your children see is who your children will be.
Avoid the Nose-Dive: Don’t Be The Martyr of A Bad Cause
You mentioned trying to please those who can never be pleased by you which I term being the martyr of a bad cause. Let’s face it – as difficult as it might be to admit – there are going to be people who we just can’t please.
For that reason, I believe you should concern yourself more with doing what is right as an eagle instead of trying to please those who will never find satisfaction in anything you do whether it is for their benefit or not. I think a larger question you might ask yourself is whether NOT fulfilling your own promise and potential has INADVERTENTLY made you someone other people – particularly those you would most like to please – find unlikable, disappointing and unsatisfying?
I don’t know your situation but I would remind you of the anecdote about flying. The narrative is that if you are on a plane that is starting to nose-dive, you are instructed to do something that feels abnormal – put your oxygen mask on first before attempting to assist anyone else. The premise is that your strength is going to be required to aid others who are less capable.
Many of our relationships including those with our family are identical to this narrative. When you are the strongest most capable person in the family, the family needs you to make the hard decisions and do what is best regardless of how strange it might feel.
From now on, I would like to encourage you to think of each day as a day on a plane that is starting to nose-dive. Before you start the day trying to please someone, who by your own admission can’t be pleased, ask yourself if the plane was starting to nose-dive would I put the oxygen on this person first – a person unable to help themselves and incapable of helping anyone else? I know this way of thinking will initially feel abnormal. But be mindful that the only chance you or those who count on you have of surviving is when you put your oxygen mask on first. In other words, fulfill your potential and promise because it doesn’t sound like those on your plane are capable of saving themselves much less you.
If you are going to be a martyr, die having done all you could do to fulfill your potential. If you do anything else, you will forever be the scapegoat for the failures of others. You will be exactly what those whom you can’t please now will always remember you as being. This is a hideous self-fulfilling prophecy. This would be a legacy no parent could be proud.
Hide In the Nest: Find An Incubator
Without question you need to reconnect with eagles. However, you need to do a lot more than just reconnect. You need to incubate yourself with nothing but eagles.
Again, I think your situation is so similar to what many parents experience. We start life with lots of hopes and dreams. Soon we marry, take a job, become parents and get caught up doing what everyone else is doing simply because everyone is doing it. We awaken one day like Rip Van Winkle recognizing that life has passed us by and wondering what happened to the creative idealist who wanted to do something significant with their life.
Don’t get me wrong being a spouse and/or parent is noteworthy but it is not the end all and be all of life. It sounds as though you – like so many of us – were misinformed and thought that you couldn’t be an eagle, a spouse and parent simultaneously. The truth is that you can be all those things.
However, you MUST exclusively surround yourself with other eagles. Eagles, in case you forgot, are people who are doing what you want to do and what you dream of doing. Eagles are not people who are doing the same things you have always done and are currently doing – nothing and talking about nothing.
Like a newborn baby unable to breathe on its own, you are going to need to be nurtured and protected by other eagles until you develop into the eagle you desire to be – more importantly the soaring eagle you were intended to be. If you don’t shelter your dreams and goals – just like one who cannot breathe – any chance you ever had of being an eagle will die.
Detaching yourself from non eagles is one of the most challenging things that you will have to do. Like a newborn in an incubator that is susceptible to disease and infection, you will have to wall yourself off and remain separate from even those you love until you are fully self-sufficient and capable of soaring alone. This is mandatory as many of those who you love and enjoy spending time with are not eagles and they will unintentionally infect you to such an extent that reaching your promise will never be possible.
Again, you are simply going to have to give yourself the type of instruction you give to your children. You are going to have to be mindful of the company you keep. Birds of a feather do flock together.
If you’re going to fulfill your destiny as an eagle, you are going to have to disengage from all the other species of birds in your life.
Don’t Chirp: Say Adiós
This final part is an extension of the previous element. You are going to have to be willing to say adiós to those who can’t help you get to the heights you are supposed to climb or aid you to go in the direction you are supposed to fly. To paraphrase the words of the late and great Steve Jobs “you can’t be responsible for holding everyone’s hands and helping them walk across the street”.
If you are going to fly, FLY! If you want to stay on the ground keep doing precisely what you are doing.
If you want to hold everyone’s hand and help them across the street – go get a whistle, a neon orange crossing guard vest, a pair of white gloves and a stop sign. Don’t expect to get very far trying to escort people across the street who aren’t even sure that they want to cross the street in the first place.
Remember if the people depending on you, monopolizing your time and making demands of you are not trying to fly and helping themselves soar, it is very unlikely that you will ever fly while you are in their company. Instead of flying like you should be doing, expect that this time tomorrow and every day afterwards, you will still be directing traffic on the same corner.
Yet, if you are willing to say adiós, when you reach the intersection and the signal indicates that it is okay to walk, you will be ready to do more than walk. You will be ready to take flight.
With the focus of an eagle see your destiny, flap your wings, take off and soar. Those who want to be an eagle like you will join you and form a spectacular formation and fly right along with you.
Those who are stuck at the intersection undecided about which direction to go will see you flying above. Not only will they admire you but your commitment to fulfill your promise might be the motivation they finally need to encourage them to let go of the hands of all those keeping them from crossing the street.
And if you are really lucky, you will not only inspire your children but others – who will finally embrace the fact that they too can be eagles and soar to unknown heights just like you.