Let me begin by admitting that the title, “How to Keep Your Child Motivated to Succeed” is a bit misleading. Well perhaps misleading is a bit strong. The fact of the matter is that explaining what I mean in this post is a bit of a challenge. The challenge in writing this post originates with the fact that we all define success differently. For some success means winning. For other success means simply not losing. I’m here to tell you that if you consider success to be one or both of those perspectives you are WRONG.
In my opinion, success means doing the absolute best that you can do without excuse or exception. Success means throwing caution to the wind and giving your maximum effort without regards to the results. Success means that at the end of the day, at the end of practice or the conclusion of the game, you have no doubts about your effort, attitude, commitment, dedication and focus. Success means that when you put your head on the pillow to go to sleep each night, you can rest well knowing that you did all that you could do.
We all want to win but in truth there can be only one winner. Success then has to be so much more than winning and/or not losing.
The Championship Game
Imagine two teams play for the championship: Team A and Team B. When Team A and Team B compete for the championship there will be only one winner. In the championship game, ties are not allowed.
Regardless of the outcome, if Team B prepared and played with the maximum effort, maximized their potential (which by the way is far less than Team A), played with focus and determination and still lost the game, the final score should not be allowed to define Team B as being unsuccessful, failures.
Those who deem Team B anything other than successful are just being unfair. To consider the final score all that matters is unjust. While Team B did not win – score the most points – they should not be considered failures. Unfortunately, we live in a society that makes this grave error all too often.
Conventional thinking today is that the winning team is successful simply because they won and the losing team is just a bunch of failures. No consideration is given to either team’s preparation, commitment, maximization of their potential or any other element. All that matters is that the winning team is successful and the losing team are – well losers, failures.
Flawed Thinking
It is this kind of collective imprudent thinking that plays a substantive role in our children’s lack of motivation. Nobody wants to lose for fear not of losing but instead fearing being forever known as a failure. Failure was once thought of as not trying, not doing your best. Regrettably, failure has become synonymous with simply not winning.
The result of this flawed thinking is that we are raising a nation of children who would rather not participate, who would rather not train, who would rather not study, who are insufferably impatient, who would rather not compete or give their best because of our all or nothing philosophy – only the winner is successful. At present, effort, attitude, focus, commitment and determination are all meaningless if you don’t win.
A Good Examination of What Motivated to Succeed Means Starts at Home
This mindset might be part of the reason why your child starts playing an instrument only to quit before you can pay for the instrument and they have learned to play one song. This defeatist outlook could play a role in why your child proclaims one day that they will be an all-time sports great, only to give up the sport before progressing from middle school. Frankly, this all or nothing attitude may be a factor that prevents your child from realizing any of their dreams and setting any goals.
This erroneous perspective may be the reason why there are societal ills that remain unresolved and deadly diseases that have yet to be cured. A child, like your child, who once dreamt of changing the world was so concerned with winning and losing – earning As rather than Bs, being Valedictorian rather than Salutatorian – that they did not follow their life purpose and the end result is that society at large suffers. The societal ill that they could have resolved – if but for their grave misunderstanding of success – remains out of control. Likewise, people with a dreaded disease continue to die because the child who would be a great doctor gave up finding a cure when they were no longer ranked #1 in their high school graduating class.
Success is a Process
The first thing that we must do as parents is throw out this antiquated, irrational teaching. Instead, we must teach our children that success is not a landing spot nor an eternal destination. Success is a process, a living breathing moving target. There can be no other explanation of success. Success has to be understood this way otherwise our children are doomed.
Our children will be doomed because no one, no team, no company, no doctor, no lawyer…wins all the time. In fact, if we examine our own lives based on our obsolete and perverted understanding of success, we are all failures and will continue to be failures because nothing or no one wins all the time. I will say it again, there are no teams, no competitors, no leaders, nothing or no one of any kind that are undefeated for the entire length of their career or lifetime.
The Process of Being Motivated to Succeed
Rather than raising children who are unmotivated and who give up before they get started, we have to teach our children the process of succeeding. The process of having success is actually a simple system.
The first step of helping our children stay motivated to succeed is the easiest part. You must inform and remind them that it is paramount that they have a goal and/or a dream.
A goal is that thing that gives your life purpose; that single thing that would make each day feel incomplete if you could not do. A dream is that thing that seems impossible to most but you aspire to realize it anyway.
Then you must remind and inform your child that they can’t stop at the Goal or the Dream. The second step of the process is a bit more taxing as it requires that they develop a plan. As a parent the most critical thing that you can do for them when it comes to planning is to have your child envision themself as the person they dream to be.
For example, if your child dreamt of being the next Peyton Manning besides needing the physical makeup of Peyton Manning which is out of their control, your child would need to have the work ethic of Peyton Manning. So while there is nothing that can be done about our physical attributes or limitations, we do control the amount of effort, energy, focus, attitude and determination that we give to our Goals and Dreams. As such, you should help your child study Peyton Manning to learn about his work ethic, his diet, his workout routine, the books he reads, how he prepares for practice and games, etc. In essence, your child should be encouraged to do all in their power to mimic everything about Peyton Manning.
Whether your child becomes the next Peyton Manning is inconsequential. What is critical is that your child learn that they alone are the masters of their fate. They must know that despite what others would have them believe, they alone control their ability to maximize their God-given potential.
Unfortunately, far too many parents and children miss the significance of this step. Instead of sharing the process with our children, we smother the fire of success that burns within them. Our children tell us what they dream of being, we point out their limitations – “you aren’t as tall as Peyton Manning” – and they give up. Our children tell us what they dream of being – “the doctor who cures cancer” – but we don’t help them to create a plan and they like you end up spending their life trading time for money.
Step Two: Create a Plan
Parents, successful children become successful adults when they have a plan. Think of your child as a new driver getting ready to drive across the country for the first time. Let me ask you a few questions before you allow your child to get on the road:
- Would you let your child get on the road without making sure the car had an oil change, that it was tuned up precisely and that it had four good tires and a spare?
- Would you let your child get on the road without charting the best course to take, having access to a GPS and making sure that they had sufficient funds for fuel, meals & incidentals?
- Would you even consider letting your child get on the road without being prepared for the unexpected or an emergency?
You love your child and consider yourself a good parent so of course, your answer to all the questions is no. Yet, the same good parent that you are, you let your child take the journey of life every day – what I call “The Success Expedition” – without making sure that they have a plan and a process to follow that will help them stay motivated so that they may experience a successful journey.
From This Point Forward
Make your child and yourself a promise. Instead of letting your child try to figure out the journey of life, The Success Expedition, all by themselves, prepare them as you would if they were making that cross country trip. Don’t let them leave the house on any day or go to bed on any evening without reassuring them that there is a process that will guarantee them that they will succeed (maximum effort, positive attitude, dedication, energy, focus and determination) and that this process might even allow them to win more than they lose.
Does your child have a plan for the life that they want? Does your child already consider themselves or exhibit behavior which suggests that they believe themselves to be a failure? Have you allowed your child to give up on their goals and/or dreams?