The other afternoon my son and I had a conversation which I thought was worthy of sharing. He was feeling frustrated about an interaction that he was having with another. The short story is that the conclusion of a discussion left him wondering – like so many of us do when a conversation doesn’t go the way we hoped – why can’t the other party understand what we are trying to say and simply adjust their behavior accordingly. Having wondered the same thing millions of times, you can probably imagine that there was a comic book caption that mysteriously appeared over my head which read “If only”.
The words that came out of my mouth were a bit different from my imaginary comic book caption. My response to his query was similar to that which I have had with others who have shared this type frustrating interaction with someone – feeling as if you are talking to the proverbial “hole in a wall”. I told him that he would feel a lot better if in the future he just recognized that the other party is nothing more than a pencil sharpener.
Really, A Pencil Sharpener?
The look on his face – much like the one I’m sure you are having – was one of inquisition. Moreover, I know he probably speculated that this was just one more episode that provided concrete proof that his old man had lost him mind. Here he was sharing his frustration about a conversation that had gone awry and I was encouraging him to see the other person as of all things, a pencil sharpener.
The pencil sharpener I explained to him is a perfect way to view others who cannot seem to grasp what you are saying or are too inept to comprehend what is required to interact with you. A pencil sharpener, the old school type that I used when I was in grade school (when dinosaurs roamed the earth, of course) is the pencil sharpener that I wanted him to imagine.
The old school pencil sharpener was ordinarily attached to the teacher’s desk or on the wall near the teacher’s desk. The sharpener had a handle that you cranked after inserting your pencil. Generally, the faster you cranked the handle the better your pencil was sharpened. However, at times, you could crank the sharpener as fast as possible yet the pencil would remain dull or at worse the lead would break.
One thing was for certain, that pencil sharpener had but one purpose which was sharpening pencils. The pencil sharpener could not refill your ink pen, erase words from your paper, proof read sentences, provide answers to the test, take notes if you missed class or anything else you might have needed or desired while you were a student in that classroom.
Nope, that pencil sharpener did the same thing each and every time you inserted your pencil. You cranked the handle and it sharpened your pencil.
One Purpose & One Purpose Only
I explained to my son that some people, far too many people actually, are just like the pencil sharpeners. They can only do one thing and many times the one thing that they can do they don’t do that very well. No matter how gently or polite your interaction with them – just like turning the crank on the pencil sharpener – there is no guarantee you will get the results you desire.
Sometimes the results will be sharp (successful) and other times they will be dull (useless). Try as you might, you may never get your pencil to be sharpened to your satisfaction. The same can be said of your interactions with human pencil sharpeners. Try as you might, human pencil sharpeners may never understand or fully appreciate your position, your concerns or what it takes to be in a relationship with you.
So rather than wasting time and energy being angry or becoming so emotionally invested because your interaction with the human pencil sharpener did not produce the results you desired; accept the pencil sharpener for what it is – a pencil sharpener which is capable of only one thing. Celebrate when your interactions with the human pencil sharpeners in your life provide you with your desired outcome but do not lament when the results are not those which you had hoped.
Remember they are only pencil sharpeners; they can’t change the fact that they have limitations.
If you can do this, if you can remain detached and unemotional as you do when you approach the actual pencil sharpener you’ll be much happier. You would never expect the pencil sharpener to do anything other than sharpen your pencil so stop expecting human pencil sharpeners to do anything more than what they always do.
Life only provides you with finite number of days and a limited amount of energy, you would be better served spending your time and energy on things that have a real probability of providing the desired outcome or response.
Waiting on a pencil sharpener to do something other than sharpen pencils is like waiting on the human pencil sharpener to understand or fully appreciate your position, your concerns or what it takes to be in a relationship with you. Neither is ever going to happen.
Finally, I explained to him that moving forward he should approach human pencil sharpeners as he would actual pencil sharpeners; using the pencil sharpener when all you need is for your pencil to be sharpened regardless of how well it is sharpened. Thus, he should only interact with human pencil sharpeners when you are intellectually and emotionally prepared to receive the only outcome they are most likely and capable of giving.
Pencil sharpeners are never going to do anything other than sharpen pencils and similarly most people will rarely if ever surprise you unless you have delusions that they will ever be different from who they have always been. Thank goodness someone invented the eraser, mechanical pencils and the ink pen.
Who are the pencil sharpeners in your life? Are you wasting time expecting people to be something other than what they are? Let me know your thoughts below!